AUGUST (Apologise for tardiness)

How is my French? Well - pretty ropey to be honest, especially since I have lived here for 5 years: One of the problems is that Mrs P speaks it much better than I do - I hold my position that the world would be a better place if everyone spoke English. I mean who speaks French? The Quebecois - a few Francophone tribes in West Africa - apart from that - nobody; possibly not even the French. We had a kind neighbour in the Vienne, who comes from Toulouse. This meant that as far as the local locals were concerned, she spoke no known language. Comprehension is my problem and being a bit deaf does not help. Lack of understanding in a strange language can lead to unhappy situations. Some years ago the Mem and I were eating at a good restaurant in the Bourbonnais- the food was good and the patron was bilingual, both good recommendation. As I was nibbling a bit of cheese (Cantal: which I reckon to be up there along with a decent Cheddar) a man from a nearby table got up and gave me a lot of Fast French - too fast for me, but I knew that I was being given wrong. It seemed that he was upset because the Prince of Wales had burned his family farm. This made me gulp a bit; it did not seem to fit in with what I knew of the gentle Prince Charles and did hi mother know about this? anyway after a bit more rant; the man departed in high dudgeon and a motor car. I turned to the Patron who had been ear wigging the whole conversation, with great interest: was the story true? I asked him It was entirely true said the Patron, up to a point. The point was that the Prince concerned was the 'Black Prince' who burned a lot of farms in the area. He then gave me glass of excellent brandy ease any strain on the 'Enconte Cordiale'.. So you see how a lack of comprehension can lead to problems. I can speak it better than I can understand it: if you can understand that. This is because the French have a poor understanding of their native tongue. The French get by with a vocabulary of c; 40,000 words. We (the English) are accustomed to some 100,000 words (English). In short I can get away with rather limited French conversations although, these can end in tears of incomprehension. I will give you an example. On an early visit, the Mem and I were staying with some smart friends in the Bourbonnais (top end of the River Loire). I was rather taken aback to be (apparently) asked - 'if we had Cider in England?''Certainly', I said, 'but mostly in the West. But you also have Cider the most excellent, but mostly I think in Normandy, I felt a sharp pain in my shin as it might have been of a kick - it was;'Shut up, you fool - they are talking about SIDA and its AIDS' So, you see what I mean. This brings me back to my opinion that the world would be a better place if everyone spoke English. I mean what is the practical use of French? Who speaks it apart from the French, the Quebecois and a dwindling few from Franco phone tribes in West and Central Africa... In the World of the 'Noughties' - English, Mandarin and Spanish are the ones to speak. Do the French really talk French? We had a nice neighbour in the Vienne. She came from Toulouse; the other neighbours solidly maintained that the French that she spoke was 'like the Peace of God' - past all understanding. The French language has always been riddled with patois and dialects. As I understand it, what we would now regard as 'Standard French' was at the time of Napoleon, only spoken in and around Paris. There were some 200 variations to be coped with. It was Napoleon's lust for conquest got this sorted. After all if you are going to send men to conquer somewhere you do not want them kicking the shite out of the wrong place because they had not understood their orders. There was an example of patois that I came across in the Bourbonnais. This area was much fought over by the English 'Free Companies'. So the older Bourbonnaisers do not say - 'Fermez la porte'; they say:'Bar de do'. This is pretty sound advice when English 'Free Lances' were kicking around Mind you it is not for me to complain about dialect problems. I lived in darkest Northumberland for the thick end of 20 years. The older generation speak a sort of Old Norse dialect, which I found pretty impenetrable. I did manage to write an article in it once. Whichever, Editor I did it for was not best suited. There was a nice man who lived near us in the Vienne. He was a Franco-phone Vietnamese. One day I was complaining to him about some bureaucratic bêtise (you can be spoilt for choice) He shook his head: "The trouble with the French is that they are not a serious people." That, I think says it all